I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
