Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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