I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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