Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
