Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
