My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
