it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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