I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
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