have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
