I puked a lego.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
