Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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