Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize