My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What a dumb baby whore.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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