so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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