Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
