Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
