I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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