It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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