Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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