I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
