He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
