after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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