I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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