you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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