You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
