2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
