Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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