She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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