Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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