There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
