strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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