i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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