I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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