I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
