my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
