wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
