This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
