Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
