he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
