Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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