Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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