so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
