I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
