it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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