I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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