Duck Duck Cougar?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
