My hand turned me down
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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