McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
There's even glitter on my cock...
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