so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
