it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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