that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
