my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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