I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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